A Teenage Experience
by stranger12
Summary: [Super Crack] Turns out, there are witches in Stars Hollow, and they decide to teach Jess Mariano a lesson. Naturally, it backfires horribly
1. The Witches of Stars Hollow

**A Teenage Experience**

Little did Jess Mariano realize, or even most of the residents of Stars Hollow, but the small Connecticut town had its very own witch coven that definitely did not appreciate Jess's screwing around and decide to teach him a lesson. It goes horribly wrong, of course.

PS: Spoilers for all seasons, just in case. Starts after S02E08.

PS2: MPREG alert. For reals.

PS3: Fair amount of cursing.

PS4: I literally woke up one morning with this idea in my head, so I just had to, as bizarre as it is.

Notes:

"Words" – regular conversation

'Words' – quotes and such, thoughts too

* * *

 **Chapter 0001:** **The Witches of Stars Hollow**

Much was spoken about the history of the tiny town of Stars Hollow by its Historical Society. Some of it was even reenacted each year, much to some people's delight and some other people's annoyance. As it were, however, one piece of its history was completely overlooked or, better yet, it had long been purposely buried and never again broadcast to most of the population.

Simply put, Stars Hollow had a long, long history as the stomping ground of a pretty passive and peaceful witch coven. They mostly kept to themselves, got together every now and then to recharge their batteries, as it were, and to gossip, as one does in such a small place. In one such meeting, the current Coven of Stars Hollow gossiped about one Jess Mariano.

Now, the Danes family had never had a witch in its line, though the same could not the said about the Sampson line, the line of Luke and Liz Danes's mother. Now that was a powerful and long line. Too bad neither of her children showed any aptitude for the craft, and the next generation had never given any indication that he even had any witch–y powers whatsoever. One thing he had shown was that he had the worst of Luke and Liz.

Luke had been a sullen kid, though generous and kind (if a little mercenary at times), while Liz had been a hurricane, friendly, chatty, a little flighty maybe. Jess was just as standoffish as Luke (still was), and he had more than a penchant for trouble than Liz ever did (in any case, her trouble was usually small time, Jess liked bigger stuff). The Coven had quickly taken notice of his presence and did not like what they were seeing. At all. Kid was trouble.

"What should we do? We should do something" – Lulu asked with a troubled expression – "What if my kids get in their head to emulate him?"

"And as fun as the fake murder was" – Miss Patty started – "it was a little much, I should think"

"I don't mind him as much" – Gypsy said next with a shrug – "but I suppose it would be best to curb his enthusiasm" – she snickered – "before he does some real damage. We still don't know if he's one of us or not"

"I have to agree" – Andrew nodded along – "He might he hiding what he can do, and who knows what he might get to if no one stops him while it's the harmless stuff?"

"He's right" – Lulu nodded firmly – "I vote we show Jess that his behavior is not acceptable"

"I vote to that too" – Gypsy stated. Andrew and Miss Patty raised their hands after a beat and the foursome nodded to each other.

"How should we do this, anyway?" – the only man in the room asked.

An hour later, after a break for coffee, cookies and research, Gypsy opened a wide smirk and pointed at something in one of her family's books. Everyone leaned forward and likewise smirked as they plotted Jess's demise!

... Or something a little less homicidal.

(they did share an evil laugh though. As you do).


	2. The Cursing of Jess Mariano

**A Teenage Experience**

Little did Jess Mariano realize, or even most of the residents of Stars Hollow, but the small Connecticut town had its very own witch coven that definitely did not appreciate Jess's screwing around and decide to teach him a lesson. It goes horribly wrong, of course.

PS: Spoilers for all seasons, just in case. Starts after S02E08.

PS2: MPREG alert. For reals.

PS3: Fair amount of cursing.

PS4: I literally woke up one morning with this idea in my head, so I just had to, as bizarre as it is.

Notes:

"Words" – regular conversation

'Words' – quotes and such, thoughts too

* * *

 **Chapter 0002: The Cursing of Jess Mariano**

Shit went bad. Shit. Went. Bad.

Miss Patty was the first one to notice something was amiss with Stars Hollow's newest resident troublemaker when the teen walked into the diner looking like he'd gained about twenty pounds overnight. Luke was shooting the teen worried looks, which was very understandable. In fact, most people were shooting Jess looks that went for scornful to disturbed when he burst into tears when Luke snapped at him over some spilled coffee.

Suffice to say, Miss Patty got the hell out of there as quickly as she could without it being suspicious, so she was there long enough to see Jess curl up in a ball on the floor and sob his little heart out while Luke practically flew over the counter to comfort him and see what the hell was going on with the teen while the entire diner stood in shocked silence.

Miss Patty got into Andrew's bookstore as the man was about to open, flipped his sign to CLOSED and quickly informed him of the scene she'd just witnessed. The man was flabbergasted for a moment before he turned as white as a sheet.

Yeah. Shit went bad.

They hurried to the school and grabbed Lulu, who made easy excuses after being informed in a rushed whisper about the situation. They headed to Gypsy's, and the woman looked put out by the sight of them.

"Something's seriously wrong with Jess" – Andrew blurted out, and the mechanic pushed them into her office for a more private talk.

"What happened?" – she questioned.

"I was just at the diner" – Miss Patty started – "And his belly was huge! And then Luke said something to him about him not working right, and the boy just started crying! Right there and then! And then he sat on the floor and wouldn't stop crying!"

Gypsy winced visibly.

"Oh boy" – she mumbled as she went to get her family's book. She flipped through it hurriedly and found the page of the spell they'd used on Jess the night before.

"Wait, what's this–?" – Lulu asked, frowning and pointing at a very faint line at the bottom of the page. They all squinted to make head or tails of it.

"Does that–? Oh God no" – Andrew moaned.

"Oops" – Gypsy whispered.

'Oops' indeed. The barely there line read very simply but eloquently: 'Should not be used on males of witch lines. Female reactions may occur'.

Female. Reactions.

Shit went so bad. So, so, so, so bad.

Luke was going to murder them all with his bare hands.


	3. The Breakdown at Luke's Diner

**A Teenage Experience**

Little did Jess Mariano realize, or even most of the residents of Stars Hollow, but the small Connecticut town had its very own witch coven that definitely did not appreciate Jess's screwing around and decide to teach him a lesson. It goes horribly wrong, of course.

PS: Spoilers for all seasons, just in case. Starts after S02E08.

PS2: MPREG alert. For reals.

PS3: Fair amount of cursing.

PS4: I literally woke up one morning with this idea in my head, so I just had to, as bizarre as it is.

Notes:

"Words" – regular conversation

'Words' – quotes and such, thoughts too

* * *

 **Chapter 0003: The Breakdown at Luke's Diner**

Now, don't get him wrong, but Luke was a born and raised skeptic, thank you. His mother had been all about the magic in the world and fairies and whatnot, and he had never bought into that, though he would smile at her indulgently, even at a young age. Liz went along much better, but Luke just couldn't. The world wasn't magical, and nothing in his life had ever come close to proving that his mother's claims were in any way close to reality.

Having his skinny as a twig nephew turn up one morning like he'd eaten all the burgers in his diner made Luke pause. That was– That was weird, okay. But Jess snarked at him as usual, so maybe, whatever, gases or something. Nothing too weird about that one. And then it happened. IT happened.

Jess was clumsier than usual and spilled some coffee on Lorelai, who gasped in surprise, and Luke barked at him before he could think more on it. The kid was tough, he was used to his uncle yelling at him, no big deal.

Apparently, however, Jess was not that used to it, which Luke supposed was the only explanation possible as to why he started crying like a child whose toy got stolen, and why he decided that sitting on his diner's floor was the best idea ever. Luke panicked and rushed to the kid 'cause, hey, it was on him. That and everyone else was way too stunned to help him out, even Lorelai and Rory.

"Hey, hey, it's okay" – he tried, but Jess just cried harder. Jesus, he didn't even know the kid COULD cry so hard – "I, hum, I didn't mean it, c'mon, it's okay"

"You hate me!" – Jess exclaimed, slapping Luke's comforting hands away – "Everybody hates me!"

"No one hates you, kid"

"Yes you do! I'm fat and ugly, of course you hate me!"

Well, that was. What?

"Jess, you're not... Fat"

"Yes I am! Stop lying to me! I'm fat! I'm a fucking whale, look at me!"

"You're not fat!"

"Who's gonna want me now that I'm this big?! No one! Who would want someone so fucking fat?!"

"Wow, he sounds just like–" – Lorelai started and quickly stopped herself. Luke glanced at her, too out of his depth as Jess continued sobbing.

"What was that?" – he demanded, and the woman hesitated.

"I just... Hum..."

"Well?!" – she winced.

"He kind of... Reminds me of myself when I was pregnant" – she absently put her arm around her daughter, whose big, scared and upset blue eyes were intently set on Jess.

"That's ridiculous" – Luke snorted.

"I know it is, hello. But just– I mean, look at him" – and, okay, Luke had to concede that the kid was a mess, and he had seen women say similar things over the years when they got a bun in the oven, but still. It was Jess. A BOY. Wait.

... No, yes, a boy. He'd know if his nephew was a girl, right? Liz would've told him, right?

"I want a burger" – Jess suddenly said, his sobs subsiding way too quickly.

"What?"

"I want a burger. Turkey, with avocado, tomato, onion rings and garlic mayo"

"Wait, what?" – and then Jess's eyes started watering again. Shit, shit, shit – "You know what? I'll get right to it. In the meantime, do you think you can, you know, get up and maybe, ah, go upstairs?" – he winced when Jess started sniffing.

"I'm fat and you don't want people to see me here in your diner" – he said brokenly.

"No! No, no, I don't think you're fat, kid!"

"YES YOU DO!" – Jess yelled, startling Luke.

"Maybe we could go upstairs to freshen up!" – Lorelai quipped quickly – "Huh? What you say, kid?"

"You hate me, get off me" – the kid snapped at her when she tried to touch him.

"I don't hate you"

"Yes you do. Everyone hates me! Just Rory" – he mumbled, looking up at the girl, who nodded quickly.

"I like you, Jess" – she reassured him – "Wanna go upstairs? You can show me your books"

"Okay" – the boy said, sniffling and letting her help him up the floor. The girl looked back over her shoulder with wide eyes as she gently pushed Jess up the stairs.

"This is some Twilight Zone crap right there" – Lorelai commented, and boy, did Luke agree with her.

He didn't linger, though. He had a burger to prepare.

* * *

Revised after dsleoasguest (guest reviewer) corrected me on a certain BUM in the oven. Definitely a typo and hilarious, thank you very much for pointing it out.


	4. The Coven Convenes

**A Teenage Experience**

Little did Jess Mariano realize, or even most of the residents of Stars Hollow, but the small Connecticut town had its very own witch coven that definitely did not appreciate Jess's screwing around and decide to teach him a lesson. It goes horribly wrong, of course.

PS: Spoilers for all seasons, just in case. Starts after S02E08.

PS2: MPREG alert. For reals.

PS3: Fair amount of cursing.

PS4: I literally woke up one morning with this idea in my head, so I just had to, as bizarre as it is.

Notes:

"Words" – regular conversation

'Words' – quotes and such, thoughts too

* * *

 **Chapter 0004: The Coven Convenes**

Gypsy paced at Patty's dance studio anxiously. Lulu was on the floor reading intensely, Andrew was researching runes and Patty was off procuring snacks and drinks while fending off curious people.

"I can't believe this is happening!" – the mechanic exclaimed yet again.

"Will you keep your voice down?" – Andrew snapped – "It's bad enough people keep ignoring the sign Patty put up, but if you keep yelling for everyone to hear–"

"Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on. Anything yet?"

"I don't see why you're not helping at all" – the man complained.

"I can't concentrate, are you kidding? I got a boy pregnant! I can't do research while Jess is running around knocked up!" – Lulu giggled a little from her spot – "Oh what"

"You have to admit the way you say it is kind of funny"

"Kinda" – Andrew conceded, shrugging. Gypsy sighed in relief when Patty rushed in, shutting the door behind her with a nod.

"Coffee and sandwiches" – she announced, putting it carefully beside Andrew and his books.

"Luke's?" – Gypsy carefully asked.

"Oh no. No, no. Luke closed up shop for the day" – everyone stared at her.

"What, just now?" – Andrew asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"I suppose. I went to get coffee but just saw him booting the last customer off the diner. I could hear Jess yelling from the apartment, though" – everyone winced, Gypsy most of all.

"Anything?!" – she asked again, sounding desperate.

"I may have something" – Lulu said, getting up and motioning everyone to join her at the table.

"Wait, that's about–"

"I know, but it's not like this is a natural situation"

"Still, it just doesn't sit well with me" – Patty shook her head.

"Me either" – Andrew said next. Gypsy merely sighed and Lulu pouted.

"I guess it was a dumb idea"

"It wasn't dumb, girl, but we don't know if the kid's got an actual kid in his belly right now or just, you know" – Gypsy made complicated but vague hand gestures – "What we need to do is get to the kid without Luke around"

"Yeah, 'cause that's happening" – Andrew snorted – "He closed up the diner, Gypsy, do you really think he's letting Jess out of his sight any time soon?"

"He's right" – Patty easily agreed – "Luke won't leave Jess alone for now, and even if he did, I doubt we would have a chance to get to him before Luke came back or someone noticed it"

"Then what!" – Gypsy exclaimed.

"I suppose..." – Lulu started slowly.

"What?"

"Well, we could try to talk to Luke..."

"Nah, he's a complete denier" – Gypsy countered and Andrew agreed with a nod.

"He's never believed his mom" – he added.

"Given the circumstances, however" – Patty said – "I don't think we have much of a choice. He might get very difficult if we tried to get to Jess without talking to him first"

"This is going to suck so bad" – Gypsy summed up the situation and the foursome sighed in unison.


	5. The Sayings of Old

**A Teenage Experience**

Little did Jess Mariano realize, or even most of the residents of Stars Hollow, but the small Connecticut town had its very own witch coven that definitely did not appreciate Jess's screwing around and decide to teach him a lesson. It goes horribly wrong, of course.

PS: Spoilers for all seasons, just in case. Starts after S02E08.

PS2: MPREG alert. For reals.

PS3: Fair amount of cursing.

PS4: I literally woke up one morning with this idea in my head, so I just had to, as bizarre as it is.

Notes:

"Words" – regular conversation

'Words' – quotes and such, thoughts too

* * *

 **Chapter 0005: The Sayings of Old**

Jess was crying. Again. Luke was at wit's end with the kid, and felt oh, so guilty about it. It wasn't the kid's fault, he didn't think.

Rory had been a huge help in getting the kid a little calmer, but then Dean came into the diner and apparently started making a huge scene, loud enough that Jess heard him all the way up at the apartment, and started crying and yelling at Rory to leave him alone since 'no one's making you stay!' and 'go to your pretty, thin boyfriend!'. The girl was very upset when she came down, and Luke, holding Jess's burger, had half a mind to smack Dean's face in, but Lorelai beat him to it.

The woman snarled at the teenager with the fury of a ticked off mama bear, and told him that the next time she heard him raising his voice when it came to Rory, he better be dying, or he soon would be. And if he ever raised his voice again to Rory, he better be on his way out of town and far, far away because Lorelai would rip his throat out otherwise. The kid was out of the diner a few moments later, not even sparing more than a look his girlfriend's way.

Luke made a mental note to never, ever piss off Lorelai like that, the woman looked terrifying. Rory blinked the surprise away and turned to him to explain what had happened with Jess, and the man could hear his nephew raging upstairs. He decided to buck up and go give him his burger already, may God have mercy on him.

Sure enough, the apartment was a mess, with Jess on his mattress crying and sobbing and man, he was an ugly crier. Jesus.

"Er, hey, Jess?" – the boy sniffed and looked at him.

"Come to tell me I'm ugly too?"

"Not at all. You, ah, you asked for this?" – he said hesitantly, putting the plate on the table. The kid sniffed again.

"I don't want it, I'm fat enough as is" – he mumbled, drawing his knees to his chest, not that he had much success with the really bizarre bulge in his belly.

"Hey, come now. You need to eat, you're a growing boy! Not– I mean, not in the growing fat kind of way, just in the, uh, growing teenager type way! Definitely not in the fat way! You're not fat, who said you're fat?!" – Jess stared at him like he was insane but slowly got up and waddled to the table.

"Thanks, uncle Luke" – he mumbled and the man felt a stirring in his heartstrings.

"You're welcome, kid" – he hesitated but reached out to put a gentle hand on the teen's shoulder – "Everything's going to be okay" – he said, though he didn't even know where to start knowing what 'everything' was.

Other than the huge belly. Up close, it was pretty weird looking.

... And it kind of did look like a pregnant belly. He was afraid that if Jess were to lift his shirt and show it to him, it would freaking move! With a baby or an alien in it and he just– Nope, God. He signed up to take a kid in, NOT to be a character in a Twilight Zone episode!

"Hey kid, how about I close up early and we watch a movie, huh?" – Jess looked at him with a mouthful of burger and nodded while looking at him with clear suspicion.

So Luke went, kicked everybody out after thanking Lorelai and Rory quietly for their help and support, and sent Caesar home, promising not to dock his pay for it. Rory tried to ask to stay, to be with Jess a little bit, but Luke assured her everything was going to be alright, and she didn't need to worry, he'd take care of things, and hey, if he did need rescue, he always knew when and how to reach the Gilmore girls. That put a quick smile on her face, and she left with her mom, the woman sending him a sympathetic look over her shoulder that made his stomach flip happily for a moment.

While it was incredibly bizarre and uncomfortable, Luke did spend the night with Jess watching Almost Famous, a movie that the teen seemed to be obsessed with. The man held on tight when the kid randomly burst into tears during several moments, though he saw nothing in common with any of the scenes.

Afterwards, he allowed the kid to sleep in his bed and stayed in the couch watching him fall asleep pretty quickly.

Jesus, his stomach was really huge and round. There was something weird going on, for sure.


	6. The Denier Rises

**A Teenage Experience**

Little did Jess Mariano realize, or even most of the residents of Stars Hollow, but the small Connecticut town had its very own witch coven that definitely did not appreciate Jess's screwing around and decide to teach him a lesson. It goes horribly wrong, of course.

PS: Spoilers for all seasons, just in case. Starts after S02E08.

PS2: MPREG alert. For reals.

PS3: Fair amount of cursing.

PS4: I literally woke up one morning with this idea in my head, so I just had to, as bizarre as it is.

Notes:

"Words" – regular conversation

'Words' – quotes and such, thoughts too

* * *

 **Chapter 0006: The Denier Rises**

Miss Patty, Gypsy, Andrew and Lulu were quite uncharacteristically at Luke's Diner bright and early, huddled together in a corner, conversing really softly. The proprietor, who'd clearly slept badly, shot them looks, as if knowing they were speaking about him and not liking it at all.

Finally, after the morning rush was over, Andrew walked over to him with a look that spoke of hesitance and bad luck at rock–paper–scissors.

"Hey, Luke, I'm sorry, but do you have a moment?"

"I'm kinda busy here, Andrew" – he roughly said.

"It's... Important" – he leaned and said very quietly – "It's about Jess" – Luke instantly frowned and narrowed his eyes.

"Jess is upstairs" – he gruffly said – "Come out back" – Andrew looked behind him at the awaiting and staring women, and after a quick huddle, Lulu bounced over, and he sighed in relief.

"Hi, Luke"

"Lulu"

"So, can we talk?"

"Andrew's up first"

"Oh! No, it's, hum, we'd both like to talk to you" – Luke looked at the couple in front of him and nodded briefly.

"Caesar! I'm gonna be in the back! Be right back!" – he yelled, and after getting a reply, he motioned Andrew and Lulu to follow him.

Andrew stared up at Luke as the man stood with his arms crossed, his expression more annoyed and irritated than usual. Lulu cleared her throat, and paled a little when his angry gaze turned to her.

"So, what about Jess?" – he barked.

"Er... Well, this is a little... Difficult to say..."

"So say it quick, like ripping off a band–aid" – he said dryly. Andrew and Lulu traded looks – "Like right now, I ain't got all day"

"Right. Well, you see, Luke, here's the thing–" – Andrew tried, but he turned with a pitiful look to Lulu, who sighed.

"Luke, did your mother ever tell you about her heritage?" – the diner owner's eyebrows shot up and leaned forward.

"Excuse me?"

"We're all witches!" – Andrew's blurted out at Luke's enraged expression. Lulu groaned and elbowed him, hard. Luke just blinked.

"Okay, you know what? I don't have time for your little pranks right now! I have a business to run and a very– Sick nephew upstairs, I don't have time to waste on–!" – he made a motion towards the couple – "Whatever the hell this is!"

"No! It's not– It's real! It's true!" – Lulu insisted – "I swear, it's– It's real, it's the truth"

"Oh really" – Luke said dryly – "And what does your massive delusion have anything to do with Jess? No, tell me, please" – the couple traded more looks and then winced in unison.

"Well. We might... We may kind of know what's wrong with him"

"What? How?" – more wincing.

"Okay, here's the thing, Luke" – Lulu started gently – "We, hum, we kind of... We were a little upset about the things Jess has done since he got in town"

"Like?"

"The gnome? Taylor's money? The fake murder?" – the taller man sighed in defeat.

"Fine. Continue"

"And we, hum, kind of decided to do something about it. Except..."

"Yes?"

"Our curse kind of backfired..." – Andrew said, making a face.

"Curse? Backfire? Jesus, you are going strong with that one, huh?"

"It's true! And, hum, the idea was to make Jess nicer by being more in tune with people's feelings, but, hum, we kind of didn't read the fine print of the curse" – Lulu explained.

"What fine print? What– Okay, I don't want to encourage your crazy, but let's go with, yes, you are" – he snorted – "witches. What happened to Jess? What's going on?" – Lulu looked at Andrew, who took a deep breath.

"He's kind of... Pregnant"

"... Excuse me?"

"We don't know if it's a real child, although it's highly doubtful, it's probably just hormones and, hum, energy turned to mass, but, it's nothing harmful" – Lulu said quickly.

"The worst part is, the more you say it, the more I think you believe what you're saying"

"Luke"

"No. Nope, there is no such thing as magic, or witches, or curses, and boys don't just get pregnant!" – he shouted.

"Yes there is!" – Lulu exclaimed, startling both men – "And we screwed up, okay?! We all screwed up and now Jess is suffering the consequences, but we want to fix it, we really do, but we need to see him, we need to talk to him to assess the situation and– And– And see what's really going on, and your skepticism will only hurt him!"

She panted as she stared at the eerily quiet Luke. Her courage drained in the face of such a phenomenon, and she clutched Andrew's arm tightly.

"Now" – Luke said in a terrifyingly soft voice that sent shivers down both witches' spines, and they wondered if the man didn't, after all, have a little bit of magic in him – "when you say 'we ALL screwed up', who exactly are you talking about? Who else is involved in this mass hysteria?"

Back at the diner, Miss Patty and Gypsy shivered, and wondered how the talk with Luke was going.


	7. The Magic is in the Air

**A Teenage Experience**

Little did Jess Mariano realize, or even most of the residents of Stars Hollow, but the small Connecticut town had its very own witch coven that definitely did not appreciate Jess's screwing around and decide to teach him a lesson. It goes horribly wrong, of course.

PS: Spoilers for all seasons, just in case. Starts after S02E08.

PS2: MPREG alert. For reals.

PS3: Fair amount of cursing.

PS4: I literally woke up one morning with this idea in my head, so I just had to, as bizarre as it is.

Notes:

"Words" – regular conversation

'Words' – quotes and such, thoughts too

* * *

 **Chapter 0007: The Magic is in the Air**

It was a tight fit, but the entire Stars Hollow Coven plus an entirely skeptical but willing to listen Luke Danes stood in his diner's backroom for a little chat, not that the last to arrive, Gypsy and Miss Patty, had any say in matter. The diner owner had looked thunderous when he'd come back out and barked at them to follow him.

The man was staring down the foursome with fierce wrath, and they all remembered what a force to be reckoned with his mother had been when poked. Magic or no magic, they were sure Luke could rip them to shreds with little to no effort, and considering the situation they now found themselves in–

Well.

Miss Patty, as the eldest, decided it was time to bite the bullet. Lulu and Andrew were kind of shaking in their boots, and Gypsy looked ready to bark back at Luke in forced courage.

"Lucas–"

"Seriously?" – he asked dryly.

"Alright. Luke. Now, I'm not sure what Andrew and Lulu have told you already–"

"They said you four are witches, you don't like Jess and did something to cause his current state" – the man said in clipped tones, the only softness directed at the surely miserable teen hidden in the apartment above them.

"It's not like we were trying to do this, okay?" – Gypsy butted in – "We just wanted to teach him a lesson, using his ancestry to do the job for us"

"Right, 'cause that's a great idea" – Luke retorted with a grimace – "The words 'witch hunt' come to mind right about now"

"We are not persecuting Jess!" – Lulu exclaimed, still clutching Andrew's arm.

"No, you just decided to go vigilante on him using your voodoo or whatever the hell you call what you did that made MY nephew the way he is now!" – he hissed – "And while I still believe you people are all delusional, there is no denying that something is seriously wrong with Jess. He refuses to go to a hospital, and, God help me, if he IS suffering the consequences of some shitty magic work, I don't WANT to take him to a doctor, that would be a disaster waiting to happen, so you four" – he pointed at each witch – "better have a solution for this" – he paused and cocked his head – "Talk. Now"

"We need to see the boy first" – Gypsy said, voice not as brave as before.

"You guys know his name, the least you can do is use it, considering what you claim you did to him"

"Do you think he will allow us to examine him?" – Miss Patty asked curiously.

"Don't worry about that part, I'll strap him to the bed if necessary. You people just think about what you're going to do to make this right" – he stopped and smirked evilly – "and how you're going to make it up to him, and me, for whatever shit you pulled"

"Excuse me?" – Gypsy narrowed her eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were some big, bad witch coven out to dispense justice onto the criminals of Stars Hollow" – Luke said sarcastically – "Forgive me for wanting compensation for when you absolutely FUCK WITH PEOPLE'S LIVES!" – he screamed, and man, he had to have some of his mother's power, 'cause the witches could've sworn the walls literally shook.

"Alright, alright, let's not get carried away" – Miss Patty said soothingly – "We will discuss this issue once we've, hum, you know, fixed Jess's– Predicament" – Luke snorted.

"That's one way to put it" – he took a deep breath and looked very tired suddenly – "Look, I'm not saying I believe you or not, but I don't know what to do about Jess, and if you guys do, then go right ahead" – he said, more resigned than anything else.

"Thank you, Luke" – Lulu said earnestly.

"Yeah, yeah. So, you guys wanna go upstairs now?"

Just then, they heard very, very loud music and an angry scream.

"Time to face the beast" – Andrew said under his breath as they all looked up.


	8. The Beast Within

**A Teenage Experience**

Little did Jess Mariano realize, or even most of the residents of Stars Hollow, but the small Connecticut town had its very own witch coven that definitely did not appreciate Jess's screwing around and decide to teach him a lesson. It goes horribly wrong, of course.

PS: Spoilers for all seasons, just in case. Starts after S02E08.

PS2: MPREG alert. For reals.

PS3: Fair amount of cursing.

PS4: I literally woke up one morning with this idea in my head, so I just had to, as bizarre as it is.

Notes:

"Words" – regular conversation

'Words' – quotes and such, thoughts too

* * *

 **Chapter 0008: The Beast Within**

Andrew had never been inside Luke's apartment, though considering how sparse it was, he didn't think he minded it much. That and , man, that music! It was like Jess was trying to blast the walls off the place! Luke ran over to Jess, lying on the couch crying, and started to speak in what looked like soothing tones to the teen. The entire Coven pretended not to be deeply disturbed by the scene, and the music.

"There we go" – Luke said softly after mercifully turning the radio down and patting Jess's hair gently.

"Something's wrong" – Jess mumbled, putting both arms around his enormous belly. His uncle looked at the Coven with both anger and desperation. Miss Patty stepped forward (brave, brave woman!).

"Hi sweetie" – she cooed, but Jess took one look at her, and the other adults behind her, and groaned.

"Why are you here? What's happening? Uncle Luke" – he cried, and the man shushed him and continued patting him.

"It's okay, Jess, everything's going to be okay. These dumbasses–"

"Hey!" – Gypsy complained automatically, but was thoroughly ignored.

"–are here to help. I know they don't look like much, but trust me on this, yeah?" – the teen frowned, looked at them and nodded slowly.

Miss Patty and Andrew quickly moved to examine Jess, but he flinched away from them with a soft whine. They hesitated to touch him, and looked confusedly at Lulu and Gypsy. The latter put her hands up, but the former crouched beside Jess and gently, slowly, went to put her hand just over his belly but without touching it. He sniffed but allowed it and the rest of the Coven sighed in relief.

Luke hovered his nephew and Lulu with a foreboding and anxious frown.

"All done" – the woman announced after several minutes of diagnostics – "It will all be okay, Jess, alright? We promise"

"I'm not going to be hideous like this any more?" – the teen groaned.

"... No, you won't. Now, I know it's difficult and uncomfortable, but we are going to need you to sit up, can you do that for us, sweetie?" – he narrowed his eyes at the endearment but nodded and slowly did it.

His belly moved and Luke nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Holy–" – he whispered but with one elbow from Andrew, he quickly shut up.

"Now, we're all going to come near you and, hum, chant a little bit, but no one's going to touch you, okay" – Lulu paused – "Well, Luke is going to need to touch your belly, is that okay?" – the boy huffed.

"Whatever" – he said in a more normal Jess tone. With some prompting, Luke sat beside his nephew and tentatively put both hands on his swollen abdomen, trying to ignore the way it moved every now and then.

The Coven moved into a half circle formation in front of Jess and Luke, and after sharing a long look, they started to chant.

As Jess started to scream, and Luke tried to calm him down while he demanded to know what was happening, the witches as one tried to continue on with their arduous work while hoping with all they could that it worked, because they were not looking forward to the consequences Luke would rain on them if it didn't.


	9. The Hurricane that Came and Went

**A Teenage Experience**

Little did Jess Mariano realize, or even most of the residents of Stars Hollow, but the small Connecticut town had its very own witch coven that definitely did not appreciate Jess's screwing around and decide to teach him a lesson. It goes horribly wrong, of course.

PS: Spoilers for all seasons, just in case. Starts after S02E08.

PS2: MPREG alert. For reals.

PS3: Fair amount of cursing.

PS4: I literally woke up one morning with this idea in my head, so I just had to, as bizarre as it is.

Notes:

"Words" – regular conversation

'Words' – quotes and such, thoughts too

* * *

 **Chapter 0009: The Hurricane that Came and Went**

After it was all said and done, Jess screamed more or less like a woman in labor, Luke freaked out like an alarmed dad, and the Coven held their own like a medical team faced with a catastrophic birth. All in all, it wasn't all that far from the truth, especially when they finished the reverse enchantment, Jess collapsed and with a quick sleeping spell, Luke followed him.

Jess Mariano, the latest in a long line of witches, was no longer in danger of suddenly bursting open with a baby that was nowhere near an actual child, but a ball of his dormant magical energy made possible because Stars Hollow's resident Coven was a little too hasty in their quest for justice and retribution.

Speaking of.

Once uncle and nephew awoke, the latter was as flat bellied as he'd been the morning prior, and he no longer felt ugly, fat or sensitive enough to burst into tears at every other turn. The former was simply pissed beyond belief, and it was only his concern for the boy obsessively staring at himself in the mirror that he didn't jump out the window and go hunt down a certain foursome.

"You okay, kid?" – he gruffly asked, making Jess jump a little and drop his shirt.

"Yeah, fine" – he quickly said.

"I'm... I'm glad" – they stood in awkward silence – "So... You must have questions about... What happened"

"All the questions"

"Then we should go witch hunting" – the boy frowned in confusion but followed his uncle without another word.

As it so happened, it was a Town Meeting night.

* * *

The Coven was a little wary, considering what they'd done and because they just left Luke and Jess in their apartment, but Miss Patty had to be present at the Meeting, and the others witches figured they might as well participate. Given the state Luke and Jess had been, they doubted they'd be up for getting up and coming to the Meeting anyway.

Once again, they conveniently forgot the fine print. Luke and Jess were of witch blood, and witches normally reacted quicker than a non–magical person.

Taylor was in the middle of a spat with Lorelai when Luke Danes opened Miss Patty's door with a loud bang, making everyone stop and stare. They were shocked to see Jess a step behind him, no longer mysteriously thick around his midsection, but as pissed as his uncle. For once, the family resemblance was apparent to all.

Lulu downright whimpered when Luke's eyes searched and easily found each member of the Coven. He opened a dark smirk and motioned outside. With a sigh, the four witches made their excuses and followed him out.

They followed Luke and Jess to the town square and up the gazebo. The teen perched on one of the ledges, staring intently at the witches while Luke straightened to his full height and snarled at them.

"So, how about we talk about you people making it up to Jess for the stunt you pulled on him?" – he said in an even tone. Andrew made to protest but Gypsy and Lulu shushed him. Miss Patty stepped forward with a slight wince.

"Now, Luke, dear, is this really necessary?" – the diner owner chuckled darkly and in the center of the gazebo, the literal center of power of Stars Hollow, his heritage seemed to flare in his eyes for a moment.

"Jess, what do you think they should do to make it up to you?" – he ignored the woman and addressed his outwardly cool nephew.

"For one, they could start with a heartfelt apology" – sarcasm dripped from each word, and when he looked at them, his eyes flashed turned white, startling each and every witch.

It was only the beginning, of course. Luke Danes wasn't a man known for being soft or forgiving, especially when it came to his family, and, much to the Coven's despair, their little moment of foolishness awoke Jess's Sampson magic big time. If he'd been a little daredevil before he could tap into his magical core, they couldn't even imagine what he'd be now.

To their relief, though, Luke was a heavy hand of doom over Jess, and the teen didn't actually use his powers for anything nefarious, though he did use it often enough, helping around the apartment and the diner, punishing little offenses (like Taylor annoying his uncle, and Dean being pushy towards Rory or rude to Jess) with increasing ease.

Not that it was all that shocking, not with all the lessons he got from each and every member of the Coven. They grumbled and pouted, but Luke always loomed over their protests and reminded them that they'd knocked his nephew up, so they better shut up and help him deal with the consequences it brought forth.

Maybe it wasn't the worst thing, in the end. Stars Hollow (and the world in general) got a valuable witch, the Sampson line remained intact and still powerful, and the most important of all – Luke Danes was up and about because he hadn't gone on a murderous rampage.

All was well in Stars Hollow.

* * *

And end.

Word tells me I created the file in Apr/2015 but who knows how long I actually spent writing this thing. All I know is that today something clicked in me and I finally finished the eight chapter (where I had been thoroughly stuck for several months) and this one.

Just some silliness to end the month (or as good as). Wonder if this is the first MPREG story in the GG fandom... LOL


End file.
